


in the dark, the two of us combine

by Lise



Category: Doctrine of Labyrinths - Sarah Monette
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - The Mirador, Angst, Brother Feels, Gen, Suicide Attempt, Tearjerker, what else do I tag here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 12:42:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17060000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: The Tibernians aren't there to intervene at Felix's trial.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I should really list [Lena](http://portraitoftheoddity.tumblr.com) as a co-author for this fic, as she provided not only the seed of the idea but also the scaffolding and shape of the story itself. So really she deserves...a lot of credit, here. 
> 
> It's been years since I wrote in this fandom, but here I am again, remembering why I love it so much. And with some brand new enablers encouraging me to write fic, so...consider this the first of what's probably going to be at least a few. Whoops. The title is from the song "Gabriel" by Bear's Den.
> 
> Many thanks, also, to [Amelia](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com), not just for editing this, but making sure I had Mildmay’s voice right. You can find me, mostly talking about the MCU but also gradually falling back into this fandom, on [Tumblr.](http://veliseraptor.tumblr.com)

The foremost thought in my mind as I stood before the Curia was _at least I managed to do something decent before they burn me alive._ That was the sentence, after all. I hadn't thought of it when I'd done it - hadn't thought of anything at all except overwhelming rage. Now I just felt empty. I would burn tomorrow next to Ivo Polydorius, and my one consolation was that at least he and Robert were falling with me. That was none of my doing, of course; apparently Mildmay had been busy while I had been destroying everything around me. My brother, the hero. 

At least he would be free of me. There: that was a second consolation. 

And then the words that stopped my heart. Lord Giancarlo, saying, _there is also the matter of what happens to the esclavin when an obligataire is executed under the Mirador’s laws._

I felt as though I’d been slapped. “There’s no need to enforce that particular law, surely? Given that he couldn’t have...that he didn’t…”

I could see something that was almost pity in Stephen’s eyes, but pity wasn’t going to be enough. That I would die I had expected, but Mildmay - Mildmay had done nothing wrong save what I had done to him. “My lord,” I said, almost stumbling over my words, “my brother has committed no crime. My heresy is mine alone. Will you not consider–” 

“The law is clear,” Stephen said. I opened my mouth, and then closed it, because there was nothing I could think of to say. I could not look at Mildmay. “Does anyone speak in defense of this person?” Stephen asked. 

_Mehitabel,_ I thought wildly, but of course she could not. Lord Giancarlo had already tried. 

There was no one left who would. 

* * *

We were not put back in the Verpine. An armed guard escorted us to my rooms - a courtesy, I supposed, for a dead man. I did not look at Mildmay all the way back. The guards scoured the rooms, presumably for anything that could be used to kill myself before tomorrow morning. I could feel myself shaking, and what came out of my mouth the moment the door closed and left us alone was, “it isn’t fair.” The moment I spoke it I could hear how childish it sounded. 

“No, it ain’t,” Mildmay said quietly. I closed my eyes tightly. 

“You don’t deserve - you’ve done nothing to deserve–” I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat making it suddenly difficult to speak. “Perhaps there is some sort of appeal, or, or, your part in exposing Ivo and Robert…”

“Felix,” Mildmay said. I shook my head violently, without really knowing what it was I was denying. “It don’t...it’s okay.” 

I whirled around. “No,” I said, too loudly. “No it damn well isn’t!”

Mildmay didn’t even twitch. He just looked at me, ready to bear this same atrocity the way he had borne every atrocity I had inflicted on him. “Even if they didn’t throw me in the fire next to you,” he said, “without you I’d be hanging from Livergate before the coals went out.” 

I shuddered. “You could leave,” I said. “Those guards - you have friends among the servants, don’t you? People who might–” 

“I don’t wanna ask them to risk trouble for me. And my life ain’t worth two centima in the Lower City now,” he said, implacable. “I’d get a knife in the back before a decad was up.” Mildmay shrugged. “And anyway, I can’t get far, not with the binding-by-forms.” 

He was right. He was right, and I hated it. It was possible - though I didn’t know - that he might just die outright if I did. But he might not, maybe the binding would break with my death, maybe - couldn’t it be worth a try? At least it wouldn’t be death by burning. That had to be better.

“I could make you go,” I said. Mildmay tensed. 

“Are you gonna?” 

I wasn’t. I should, I should do it to at least _try_ to save him, and I could pretend that I would not do it because I didn’t want to compel him, but when had that _ever_ mattered to me? I was selfish. I had always been so dreadfully, monstrously, selfish.

“Felix,” Mildmay said gently, “I don’t want to leave you alone.”

I broke. 

I had barely been holding myself together, and that finished me. Gideon was dead, and Mildmay was going to die, both of them innocent, both of them because of me. I had thought I could not loathe myself more, but somehow there was further to fall. It felt like being clawed open from inside, and what I wanted most in that moment was for someone to hurt me. I could believe that, had Malkar been there, I would crawl back to him and beg to be destroyed. 

But I had done that before, and the only thing it had done was destroy the Virtu. Was that what Malkar had seen in me? The uncanny knack for ruining everything I touched, for breaking beautiful things? No wonder he had claimed me. I was, and always had been, his mirror. 

I covered my face with shaking hands and crumpled to the floor. It was all so clear. Inescapable.

I wanted to die. But not Mildmay. Not Mildmay.

“I’m sorry,” I said, too late. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m - _sorry._ ” I rocked forward and back, gulping back tears. “I did this to you. I brought you here, I dragged you into this–”

“I asked,” Mildmay said. “I asked you to do the binding-by-forms, remember?” 

I laughed, but it came out more like a sob. “You must be regretting that now,” I said. Despair was a weight on my chest. Mildmay sat down next to me, on the floor, even though it wasn’t easy or comfortable. That was another weight of guilt bearing down at me. I didn’t think I could move. 

“C’mere,” Mildmay said, as gentle as he had been down in the Verpine, when he had held me as I wept myself dry. My gentle, good-hearted brother, who loved me despite everything, and who was going to burn beside me. 

And yet, craven thing that I was, I could not keep myself from turning toward him and burying my face in his shoulder, like I deserved any of the comfort he was offering. 

“I’m sorry,” I said again, because I wouldn’t get another chance. 

“It’s okay,” he said, which it wasn’t, and never would be. But I clung to him anyway, and tried to imagine that I could not feel the time slipping away.

* * *

It might have been an hour, or two. I didn’t sleep, in spite of the fact that I was exhausted; I drifted in a vague fog. It felt vaguely as though I was wasting my remaining time, but it also felt as though I couldn’t do anything else.

I started upright at a knock on the door. Mildmay’s head turned and he tensed, eyes sharp and watchful. Neither of us said anything, but the door opened anyway. It was Mehitabel, and I was faintly surprised, though I supposed I should not have been. We must have made a sight, the two of us sitting on the floor, my hair unwashed and uncombed. 

“Mildmay,” she said. “Felix.” 

Mildmay had relaxed when he saw who it was. “You going to get in trouble for being here?” He asked, which was thoughtful of him. She shook her head. 

“I don’t think Josiah and Cleo - that is their names, yes? - will say anything.”

“Oh,” Mildmay said after a moment. “Good.”

I thought about rising but could not make myself do it. "Tabby," I said dully. "I don't suppose you've come bearing good news." 

Her eyes were red-rimmed, but she was otherwise admirably composed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I tried to talk to Stephen, convince him to show clemency...he won't back down."

"Lord Stephen is not an easy man to convince," I said. "It isn't your fault." I glanced at Mildmay, and said, "perhaps you could persuade someone else--"

"No," Mildmay growled. I gave Mehitabel a helpless look, and Mildmay shifted. "Told you. I ain't leaving." 

"As you may be able to tell," I said, and my voice trembled a little, "I have attempted without success to point out to my brother that there may be some alternatives for him, considering--"

"I said, _no,_ " Mildmay said again, more loudly. Mehitabel's expression was unreadable, but I kept my eyes on her. She just shook her head. 

"I'm not going to make Mildmay do anything he doesn't want to," she said.

"Was that pointed?" I asked, soft and bitter. She didn't bother to answer, her eyes moving away from me and over to Mildmay. She was thinking about something. I wondered, with a tired sort of indifference, what it might be. 

"I have something for you," she said, finally, and reached into the folds of her dress. She held out a pair of vials. I blinked at them, and then at her. Mildmay stirred next to me. 

"What's that," he said, though I suspected he could guess as well as I could. 

Mehitabel's smile was tremulous. "Something kinder than the fire." 

"Why, Tabby," I said, "how very clandestine of you. Does Lord Stephen know you're here?" 

"Does it matter? I won't get in trouble, if that's what you're asking." 

It had been, more or less. I did not have any interest in bringing anyone else down with me, if it could be helped. A lover and a brother were enough. I did not need to add a friend. And I supposed that as long as the law was satisfied, the method of execution was not so important.

"It's fast," Mehitabel said, when neither of us spoke. "And from what I understand, nearly painless. By sunrise..." She hesitated, and looked at me when she said, "I don't want to watch a burning tomorrow." I flinched. 

Mildmay was the one who dragged himself up, leaning heavily on the wall to support himself. "Thanks," he said. Mehitabel caught his hand when he reached for the vials, and something passed between them; whatever it was, I looked away, staring at one of the bookshelves. Everything on them would be going into the Archive of Cinders. Everything of Gideon's, too. 

"Felix," Mehitabel said. I looked up at her. 

"What?" I said, and then checked myself and added, "oh. Thank you, Tabby." She sort of shook her head and looked at Mildmay again, who looked at me and then back at Mehitabel and just said, "it's okay." 

She pressed her lips together for a moment, then turned to kiss Mildmay on the cheek, gave me one last searing look, and left.

"Hey," Mildmay said when she was gone. "Want to get up? Couch might be more comfortable." 

I looked up at him, still leaning against the wall, and otherwise did not move. "Are you going to take it?" I asked. The look on Mildmay’s face was unreadable, and I glanced down again at my naked fingers. 

“Fire’s a bad way to die,” he said finally. I didn’t answer, and after a lengthy silence he said, “you don’t and I won’t.” 

I jerked a little, my eyes snapping back to his face. “No,” I said. “That isn’t–”

“I saw someone get burned before,” Mildmay said. “I don’t want that for you.” 

I flinched. “You wouldn’t...be there.” 

“Don’t matter,” he said stubbornly, bright green eyes boring into me. “Where you go, I go. Felix–”

I was, deep down, scared of the fire. It would hurt, and no matter how much I deserved that, I could not quite shake off the fear. Somewhere outside they were building pyres, and I imagined how it would be. The people watching and howling for blood; the smell of burning flesh. Mildmay, my fox-headed brother, burning with me. 

My brother. Loyal to a fault. I had never earned a fraction of his love.

I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, stumbling to my feet. We made our way to the couch and sat down together, side by side. I took one of the vials from him and stared at it. Such a small, innocuous-looking thing. 

“I’m sorry,” I said again. “I did this to you. If it weren’t for me–”

“Weren’t for you I’d be dead, probably,” Mildmay said. “Kethe’s cock, Felix. I could’ve left.”

“You wouldn’t have,” I said sadly. He didn’t deny it, but after a while he said, “Don’t regret it,” and put his arm around my shoulders. I leaned into him and realized that I was shaking. 

“Thank you,” I said. 

“What for?” Mildmay asked. I shook my head and uncorked the vial, because I didn’t know how to say _thank you for not leaving me alone, thank you for caring, thank you for forgiving me even though I deserve it not at all._

Had Gideon been scared, at the end? 

I drank fast, before I could change my mind, before I froze as I had that night on the Linlowing Bridge. (And if I had not - if I had not, how different would things be, now?) I let the empty vial fall and looked toward Mildmay. His eyes were closed, though I could still hear him breathing. For how much longer, I wondered, and selfishly I hoped I wouldn’t have to feel him die. 

I could feel myself slipping already, my fingers going numb. It was all so...quiet. Like Mildmay, I closed my eyes, and slowed my breathing. I should have said it before. I didn’t know if he would hear me, but it seemed like at least I should say it now. 

“I love you,” I whispered. He didn’t answer. I chose to believe that it was because he didn’t want to, and not because he couldn’t hear me anymore. 

Mehitabel was right. This was kinder than the fire.

I fell into the dark.


	2. Chapter 2

You drink poison and you don’t really expect to wake up again.

And I was okay with that. I mean, I didn’t _want_ to die, but I didn’t want Felix to die neither and I wasn’t going to leave him, so. Weren’t like there were a lot of places I could go, anyhow. 

Mehitabel didn’t fuck around. Whatever she gave us, it worked fast. Didn’t even hurt, hardly, which was nice. 

Then I came around with my head pounding like I’d gone hard drinking, and I had a nasty crick in my neck and my leg was aching too. I opened my eyes but I couldn’t see a damn thing. I must’ve made some kind of noise, though, because I heard a voice I recognized say, “shh. Almost there.” 

And that didn’t make no sense at all. 

“Cardenio?” I said, only it didn’t come out sounding much like it should’ve. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Glad you’re up. That actress friend of yours said it’d work, but you looked dead to me.” 

I still couldn’t figure what was going on. Kept trying to piece it all together but my head wasn’t working so good. “Actress friend?” I said. I knew he meant Mehitabel but I didn’t get what she had to do with Cardenio. 

“Yeah,” Cardenio said. “She said you were going to get burnt unless you got out of Melusine, but you weren’t going nowhere alive.”

I was starting to get it, sort of. And then like someone punching me in the gut I thought _Felix_ and I couldn’t see him, and what if he hadn’t drunk it after all, or what if they did something else with hocus bodies or decided to burn him anyway dead or not–

“Need a light,” I said, trying to sit up though my body didn’t work right. “A _light,_ ” I growled, when Cardenio hesitated, and he struck up a lantern and I could see Felix slumped against the side of the skiff, limp and bone pale and he really did look dead. My heart stopped and somehow I managed to lurch over toward him, and I don’t think it started again until I found a pulse in his neck. I just about fell over with relief.

“Kethe’s cock,” I said, feeling like I might start crying, but maybe I was allowed along as how I’d thought we were going to die and now we weren’t, maybe, and maybe it was going to be okay. “Why didn’t she...why didn’t Mehitabel just _say?_ ” 

Cardenio sort of looked at me sideways and said, “she said she wasn’t sure he’d go along,” with a little jerk of his head at Felix, and I could tell he was a little nervous about having a hocus on his boat but he was being good about it. I thought about that, and I still felt like she could’ve told _me_ but considering Felix’s mood I couldn’t really blame her for not. 

“We’re almost there,” Cardenio said again. “You’re going to have to play dead for a bit, but then you’ll be out and in the clear.”

“Thanks,” I said, after a while, which was stupid, but I couldn’t think of nothing else .

“You’re a friend,” he said, like that was that. And fuck if I didn’t feel like I might cry again. 

Felix twitched and moaned. “Hey,” I said. “It’s okay,” hoping he’d hear me. His forehead sort of crinkled and he squinted at me.

“Mildmay?” He said, and there was just a little bit of Lower City in it. 

“Yeah,” I said. “It’s me.” 

“My head hurts,” he said, almost whining, and I was all of a sudden so fucking _relieved,_ like I could breathe right again. He went quiet for a minute and then said, “where are we going?” lost and confused and a little scared. 

“Right,” Cardenio said. “Act dead, now.” 

_Almost there,_ I thought. I didn’t have a fucking clue where we _were_ going, but right now that seemed okay.

“Don’t matter,” I said to Felix. “I’ve got a head for directions, remember? I won’t let you get lost.”


End file.
